The risks of suicide among younger generations have been well documented. However, a lesser-known group struggling with this issue has flown under the radar.
According to a study from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, men 75 and older are the largest demographic to “successfully” complete suicide.
For teens and young adults, there are a variety of reasons that can contribute to a suicidal mindset, from bullying to eating disorders to navigating a changing identity through a multitude of rapidly changing major life milestones.
Yet, men 75 and older face different challenges, said Jason Fierstein MA LPC, founder of Phoenix Men’s Counseling in Arizona. Some difficulties include loneliness, the loss of identity due to retirement, perhaps they’ve been recently divorced or widowed, or even face a health problem that highlights their mortality.
“As men transition into retirement, so much of their identity is invested in their careers,” said Fierstein. “I don’t think men are very good at creating the social circles and networks they need outside of work.”
Several reasons contribute to men feeling a stark loss of their perceived masculinity in a society that highly values men being independent. They are tasked with being providers for their family and also insist on facing their problems alone while being a source of strength for everyone around them. In essence, men are encouraged by society to be an island when living a full life is a group endeavor.
Women, however, are encouraged to be caregivers by society and family expectations. They may bear the brunt of taking care of the household and their breadwinning husbands.
If a man in his twilight years suddenly finds himself divorced or a widower, he might not know how to properly take care of the household and all his needs, which were previously handled by his wife. In the case of becoming a widow, this is a hefty additional new responsibility to undertake on top of the overwhelming difficulty of grieving, which is a heavy life event to endure on its own.
Fierstein recommends checking in on your elderly friends and family to let them know you’re there if they need to talk and allow them the space to feel heard.
“You don’t know the positive impact that can have on someone who maybe feels alone and isolated, who doesn’t know how to reach out for help, especially baby boomer men,” said Fierstein.
“That’s such a premium in our culture to give people the allowance to talk and feel heard. Our culture is becoming more isolated and lonely. Technology and social media, along with the pandemic and political polarization, have all contributed to this experience of fragmentation and
loneliness in recent years, especially hitting men the hardest. We live in a society where we are so lonely because none of us really feel heard, listened to, or even validated as humans sometimes.”
Ideally, their adult children are out of the house, have their own lives, careers, and families. They may have moved far away from the family home, fracturing the feeling of a family unit or home base.
If a man is recently divorced or widowed and doesn’t have easy access to their children, they can face a devastating sense of isolation, which can contribute to suicidal thinking.
“Sometimes their children have moved away to another city, and it leaves the man on his own without the tools, skills, or resources to learn how to navigate on their own,” said Fierstein. “They’re unwilling to get help because they don’t want to be perceived as weak or less manly. They don’t want to show vulnerability, especially to their adult children. This leaves him on his own without the tools, skills, or resources to learn how to navigate this stage of his life. They think they can handle it themselves, but I believe it’s at their own peril.”
In terms of retirement, men often associate a large chunk of their self-worth with their work and their ability to provide for their families. Often, men aren’t encouraged to form social contacts outside their workplace, so in essence, they associate their sense of identity with what they do for a living.
When that is gone, men can face an existential crisis concerning who they are, what they contribute to their families, and society as a whole. This is an understandably crushing blow to their ego and sense of self-worth.
Health issues become more common in later stages of life.
Since men traditionally are expected to be strong, problem solvers, breadwinners, keep their emotions under control, and generally deal with their problems themselves, accepting the news of a chronic or life-threatening health issue can be a huge shock that shakes them to their cores. Potentially, for the first time in their life, they face the need to ask others for help, which can lead to feeling as if they are a burden to those around them, even if it’s not true.
For someone used to being the one to handle and solve all problems, men can see themselves becoming “the problem” for the first time, which can be quite a shock. They could face losing their independence, for example, losing the ability to drive themselves to appointments or even needing help caring for themselves. Some men might feel this is a sign of failure, when in reality it’s a natural part of life. No one can live in a vacuum, and everyone needs the support of their family and community.
Page Dickey LCSW of Key Counseling Group, said, in her experience, white men who live in rural areas are more isolated and may have less access to resources, which puts them at a greater risk.
“I particularly see it with white males in rural areas, recent widowers, empty nesters, and economically disadvantaged older white males in particular,” said Dickey. “I think that the strong role identification for men to be the breadwinners, to take care of their families, to protect and provide, creates a real ingrained belief that you have to earn your worth, demonstrate value, and you never want to be a burden.”
Men tend to value the “John Wayne” type persona highly, as Dickey calls it. They might not always have the resources to seek outside help. Men in rural areas are more isolated with limited opportunities to seek help. Those with easy access to guns are more likely to accomplish the act. Many men might not know how to communicate their thoughts and feelings with those around them, even their closest loved ones.
They can become more isolated due to their more remote locations, but also because men might not reach out or have people reach out to them on a consistent basis.
“The fact is, we are interdependent, we do need each other, and connection is one of the best measurements of how someone is going to handle illness in general,” said Dickey.
However, there are several ways to intercept those considering suicide. Therapy is an obvious answer. A qualified counselor can be a lifesaver with ample advice and resources to help. A professional can both be a sounding board for their concerns and address any issues that come up with advice tailored to their specific needs.
They can also help men understand how to connect with their families, express their thoughts and feelings, learn how to identify and process emotions, as well as hold family therapy sessions to help people connect with their loved ones.
Dickey’s previous work with a client is a prime example of how access to mental health services and learning how to communicate with loved ones is an effective deterrent for isolation and suicidal thinking.
“I worked with a deeply introverted stoic veteran who was recently widowed,” said Dickey. “Although he had family, they had no way to really communicate. They didn’t know how to talk about the hard stuff. Later, he attended a session with his son, and both thanked me for encouraging them to connect through shared activities such as fishing, hunting, or simply having meals together to share stories in a way they never knew was possible.”
Outside of a therapist, there are a multitude of ways to handle feelings of isolation and loneliness.
One of Dickey’s clients loved to dance, so he took up dancing lessons. This both gave him something to do that he thoroughly enjoyed while providing ample time to make social connections and possibly even friends outside of the activity.
Finding a hobby you enjoy is a solid method to meet new people and also find something to look forward to, whether it be lawn bowling, exercise groups, breakfast clubs, religious events, or exercise groups. These are great ways to form connections with other people and cultivate a sense of community while enjoying mutually enjoyable activities.
Edited by Shi Bradley
